


This Is Not A Love Story

by leigh_adams



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Banter, Dialogue-Only, F/M, Humor, Journalism, Snark, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-23
Updated: 2012-05-23
Packaged: 2017-11-05 20:48:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/410866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leigh_adams/pseuds/leigh_adams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Theirs is a relationship built on many things: loathing, disdain, and a complete lack of journalistic integrity. This is <i>not</i> your mother's love story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Is Not A Love Story

**Author's Note:**

> Written as part of the Mini Fest at hp_diversity.

**May 15, 2004**

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t Parvati Patil.”

“Zacharias Smith. I’d say it was a pleasure, but then I’d be lying.”

“Charming as ever, sweetheart. I see it only took five years at the magazine before they bumped you off horoscopes and lipgloss.”

“About as long as it took you to get off the reserve squad. Tell me, Smith, how many arses did you have to kiss to move up to Montrose’s starting seven?”

“No snogging required -- though I’m happy to provide a demonstration of my prowess in that department.”

“I’d sooner kiss a flobberworm. There’s no way to tell where those lips have been.”

“Most pleasurable places, I assure you.”

“The fact that my fellow women find you attractive is a mark against our sex.”

“And the sex was fantastic, thanks for asking.”

“You’re not even that good looking.” 

“You wound me, Patil. I’ll have you know that there are numerous women who find me very attractive. And charming.”

“Name one.”

“Your sister.”

“Leave my sister out of it, you incomprehensible jackass.”

“Touchy, are we? No need for wands now.”

“My _sister_ is happily engaged to a wonderful man -- a man who would hang you by your intestines if you dared look at her the wrong way.”

“Oh, please. Corner’s harmless. I doubt he knows what to do in bed with a woman, let alone how to hurt something bigger than a fly.”

“Sweet Merlin, Smith, let’s just get this over with.”

“Hmmmm.”

“What?”

“That’s the first time a woman’s ever said those words to me.”

“Maybe out _loud_...”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**  
_Zacharias Smith: The Bad Boy of Montrose_   
**

 

_Making his debut at number nine on **Witch Weekly’s** 15 Most Eligible Quidditch Studs, Zacharias Smith is cool and confident -- in his abilities both on and off the pitch. With wavy blonde locks tousled from the pitch and green eyes that sear into a woman’s soul, this bachelor is a certifiable catch. But he’s not one to brag; when asked about the bevy of women waiting outside the locker room for a mere glimpse of his godlike physique, he just smiles and changes the subject. Surprisingly, this flyer has a budding interest in Britain’s export policy on Chinese potions ingredients. _

_So what makes this hunk of a man tic? Why, the hunt for glory, the thirst to prove himself (during his first year on Montrose’s premier squad, he’s already fifth in the League in saves), and what else? The promise of a woman to love. He enjoys late night dates over butterbeer, long walks on the moors, and the sweetness of a first kiss._

_Sound like your type of fellow? Then ladies, get thee to Montrose Stadium and catch this fit stud in action!_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 **May 4, 2005**

“What the bloody hell are you doing here?”

“Lovely to see you too, Smith. It’s been a while... how have you been?”

“You know I did sue you for that rubbish you wrote last year.”

“Oh, I know. My editor said the laugh it gave her was well worth the magazine’s settlement fee. And she even gave me a raise, so thanks for that.”

“And you call yourself a journalist.”

“On a good day, yes.”

“Then why the hell are you here? Why not one of your other... _journalist_ \-- and I use that word lightly here, considering you use it as a title -- friends?”

“Well, after you slept with and broke the heart of darling Clara, none of the other girls would write your feature. I tried to make them see reason. I mean, there’s absolutely no reason you deserve to be on the studs list, but since women like you -- again, for reasons passing understanding -- here I am.”

“You wrote that I was interested in Chinese foreign policy.”

“Well, you _did_ say you wanted to nail Cho Chang. Call it creative license.”

“And did you have to mention my bloody fan club? I swear, the group’s tripled in size since last year’s issue. I have to Apparate straight from the locker room after matches!”

“Ah, yes. ‘Smithie’s Wenchies.’ What a horrible moniker. You do attract the loons.”

“They picked it, not me. I can think of a much better title for those women.”

“Fit to print, I’m sure.”

“And... let me see if I’ve got this correctly... I love the sweetness of a first kiss? Where the bloody hell did that come from?”

“A bit of editing. You said you lived for first shags -- since they were usually the last.”

“YES. One and done. Why couldn’t that go in the blurb instead of the crap you wrote?”

“Look, you gave me coal to work with. I turned it into diamonds. Does it make me want to gag? Absolutely, but this is the sort of shite our readers want to see. So, I gave it to them. And really, in the end, does it hurt your end game?”

“...”

“That’s what I thought. So answer the damn questions and this charade can end all that much sooner.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 **  
_Zacharias Smith: Moving On Up_   
**

 

_In his second year on our Quidditch Studs rankings, Zacharias Smith is proving to be just like the team he plays for. Like Montrose’s standings at the end of this season, he’s moved from number 9 on our list to number 4. As cream rises to the top, so does this blonde Keeper -- but is a Keeper in all sense of the word?_

_Of course! And do you want to know a secret? Well, you’re readers of **Witch Weekly** , which means... obviously!_

_He wants children!_

_But don’t take this reporter’s word for it. The main man in Montrose recently adopted a puppy -- everyone say **awwww** altogether now -- so could the idea of family be next? “I wouldn’t rule it out,” this charming blonde said good naturedly, before changing the subject._

_Such a man. But isn’t that why we love him so?_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 **May 20, 2006**

“You are literally the worst reporter on the face of the planet. And that includes Rita Skeeter.”

“And you’re not that good at Quidditch. Clearly, we both live lies.”

“How the bloody hell do you get away -- wait, I’m a _fantastic_ Quidditch player.”

“Says your ego.”

“Says my ego and says my statistics.”

“I don’t follow Quidditch, so I wouldn’t know.”

“Another black mark against your character. I’m beginning to think your soul is charred and withered. You _know_ those harpies attached a surveillance spell to Spike’s collar.

“I’m not sure you _have_ a soul, Smith. And wait, you named that little dog _Spike_?”

“He’s a fierce creature.”

“He’s a Yorkshire terrier. Compensating for something, are we?”

“Ahhh, banter. I’ve missed your witty repartee.”

“And I’ve missed you the way I miss a migraine.”

“I know a cure for that.”

“What? Six weeks in Bali, halfway around the world from you?”

“No.”

“Then what?”

“Dinner.”

“Doesn’t usually help.”

“I meant dinner with me.”

“I think that would exacerbate the issue at hand.”

“I’m serious.”

“So am I.”

“Have dinner with me.”

“I’d rather have dinner with a rabid manticore.”

“Just once. To prove I have redeeming qualities.”

“You don’t.”

“Come on, Patil... you might enjoy it. And besides, I’m not going to answer any of your questions until you say yes.”

“... Fine. Then we’ll sit here all day.”

“ _Tsk tsk_. But isn’t the magazine’s charity masquerade tonight? I’m sure you _have_ to be at that tonight.”

“... I loathe you with the fire of a thousand suns.”

“And you’re growing on me, Patil.”

“You too, Smith. Like a fungus.”

“Your words warm my heart. See you on Friday night?”

“Just dinner?”

“Dinner. If we shag afterwards, then we shag. So be it.”

“Keep on dreaming.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 _  
**Zacharias Smith: How High Can He Climb?**   
_

 

Our number 2 flyer is no stranger to this list. After only three years in the League, he’s vaulted up the rankings to land near the top as our second most eligible Quidditch bachelor for 2006. Yes, ladies, annual favorite Zacharias Smith is back and single as ever! When we spoke with this highly sought singleton, he remained confident of his chances at the top spot next year. 

He also divulged a secret talent; that’s right, **Witch Weekly** devotees, you’re about to find out something he’s rarely let known -- he’s a crack barkeep! Single, handsome, and as strong as the dirty martini he mixes... now **that’s** what we call a winner!

Admit it: you’re already scribbling “Mrs. Zacharias Smith” in your day planners, aren’t you? 

So what about Prince Charming’s plans for the future? Is he open to being your one and only? 

“I’ll never say never,” he said with a laugh.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 **May 11, 2007**

“You again.”

“Me again.”

“When are they going to get a qualified reporter in here?”

“Beats me. Last I checked, I was promoted to assistant editor six months ago. Being stuck with you must be some sort of cosmic punishment for misdeeds in a past life.”

“Wasn’t what you said last night, Patil.”

“...You can do better than that.”

“You didn’t say that last night either.”

“When did we revert back to last names?”

“I don’t know. Full circle and all, back to where we started?”

“Mutual loathing and disdain?”

“Sounds about right.”

“Only now with extra orgasms.”

“Do shut up. _Now_.”

“What? It’s not like someone’s going to hear me. We’re in a bloody soundproof room -- which you well remember, if I recall correctly.”

“Hmmmm, you weren’t exactly silent, either. You sounded a bit like a howler monkey, honestly.”

“See, who needs affection when I have you and your sweet, sweet words?”

“Honestly, Smith, would you just answer the stupid questions so we can both go home? I’m tired and want a bubble bath.”

“Can I join you?”

“No.”

“Are you sure I can’t convince you?”

“One-hundred percent certain.”

“Not even if I do this?”

“What are you... put my shoe back on right... oh, _Merlin_.”

“Oh, yes, keep going. You know how I love the way you moan that dead wizard’s name.”

“Zach?”

“Yes, Parvati?”

“Shut up and keep doing _that_.”

“Would rather do _you_.”

“Don’t press your luck.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 **  
_Zacharias Smith: Quidditch’s Most Eligible Bachelor_   
**

 

_After four years on **Witch Weekly’s** 15 Most Eligible Quidditch Studs, Montrose Keeper Zacharias Smith has finally landed the coveted top spot! This golden boy needs no introduction. Whether you’re a Wenchie or if you just covertly admire his hard physique from afar, witches across Britain are well aware of Mr. Smith’s finely chiseled cheekbones and toned biceps._

_But we’ve heard a rumor, dear readers. Could this delectable Keeper’s first year atop our list also be his last? Don’t despair, it’s just a rumor... for now._

_We had to ask, and to his credit, he didn’t deny it. But then again, he didn’t confirm it, either. “I’m happy in my life right now,” he said with an easy smile. “Whether or not I’m seeing someone is my business.” We’ll leave the job of deciphering that bit of coded phrasing to you, ladies._

_Regardless of his future status, let us enjoy the bounty the Quidditch gods have seen fit to grace us with. And our congratulations to Zacharias Smith, this year’s Most Eligible Quidditch Stud. May your reign be long._

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
**Zacharias Smith and Parvati Patil**  


 _  
**October 31, 2007**   
_

_Zacharias Smith and Parvati Patil, both 28, were married last weekend in a small ceremony in Bali. The bride wore a custom-designed red sari and was attended by her twin sister, Padma Corner. The groom wore linen pants and a button-down shirt. His childhood friend Ernie Macmillan stood up for him during the ceremony._

_Guests were quite shocked to learn when they arrived at the exclusive Polynesian resort that they were there not for a weekend mini-break, but for a wedding. They were even more shocked when they learned the identity of the couple._

_“I didn’t even know they were seeing each other,” one attendee admitted on the condition of anonymity. “I thought they hated one another.”_

_After the ceremony, guests partied the night away on the beach, sending the newlyweds away at sunrise with cheers and orchid petals. The couple plans to make their home in Montrose when they return from honeymoon next month._

_The couple met as part of a work assignment. Parvati Patil-Smith is an assistant editor at **Witch Weekly**. Zacharias Smith is the starting Keeper for the Montrose Magpies. Patil was the reporter tasked with interviewing Smith for the magazine’s 50 Most Eligible Quidditch Studs feature._

_From all of us at the _Witch Weekly_ and _Daily Prophet_ families, we wish the Smiths a long and happy marriage. Congratulations!_

♥♥♥


End file.
